Just Thinking

❁2025-05-10❁

💐🎨ʚïɞ

I keep thinking that I have to fix everything. I just want out of this mess. I want to reach to a better place. One that doesn't hurt or have so many lessons. I want more out of life. There is so much that I want to do and be. What's on the other side of change? I would like to travel more and write. I just don't know how to do that right now. I want to create. Something, anything. I just want to feel put together. I want to go back in time. I'm here just trying to figure everything out right now. Trying to put myself back together. I'm seeing so much loss around me. It feels like everything is just breaking apart. When will it come together? When will I just get my happy ending like everyone else? I'm seeing Rema on Sunday, I hope the concert is good. I wish I had someone to go with though. I'm tired of chasing people. I just want to pour into me right now. I'm tired of asking why. I'm tired of fighting and pain. I just want to pour into me. Find things that make me smile and bring me peace. Nourishing myself. One step at a time, I just want to heal and get to a better place. 5 years from now, I hope that I finish school and I'm working at a job that allows me to be creative but still help others in some way. I hope that I get to travel to more places within 5 years. I hope that I meet a nice guy who just loves me for me. I hope that I am in a better place with my mental and physical health. I would like to do more art activities like maybe a class or pottery painting. I would like to live in Toronto some day. I just want my own little apartment and to be able to walk down to all the cool restaurants and cafe's. I want to be able to walk to Forget Me Not with my journal in hand and just sit down and write. I want to start taking care of my skin and teeth. Eating foods that make me feel good. Like vegetables and fruit. I want to go for morning walks and feel the morning breeze on my skin. I want to be outside and just ground myself for a few moments. Just me and nature. No hurt. No pain. It's time to pour into me as much as I can. I have to do this for me.

I'm excited for the Rema concert. I don't think I'm going to work. I'm also excited to look at the Cherry Blossoms with Lee-Anne tomorrow and get ice-cream. I'm also excited to see Nova Scotia. I've always heard of it and I can't wait to see what it's like. I hope I get to be by a lot of water. Maybe go to a museum. I have things to look forward to as much as the pain hurts right now. As empty as I feel right now. I just want to pour into me. Not chase after anyone or anything. Not look for anything. I just want to be here right now in this moment. I just want to be all of me right now. I want to love me right now. I want to care for myself right now. Not because I have to be perfect but because I deserve love and care.