Michaela's Midnight Musings: Dreams, Doubts, and Dialogues

michaelaruthmcleodx
May 1
5 min read

🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🔆🌼☀️🔆🔒🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌙𔓘✿⁠𔓘✿ — Jerusalem Artichoke Flowers, Claude Monet, 1880

❀May 1, 2025❀

MUSE DUMPS AND MIND SPILLS𖡼☕︎ — MICHAELA RUTH @ 1:53 AM

Okay so it's officially May! YAY! You know what they say "April showers bring May flowers." I really hope this is a better month than what Jan-April has been. I think I'm just gonna brain dump on this post. Anything and everything. Here we go. So I had the weirdest dream. It was kind of like 3 different dreams in one dream. It was one of those dreams where I knew I was dreaming like my body was still present but my mind was just doing the most loopiest stuff ever.

Okay so the first part of the dream, and this isn't the first time I've dreamed something like this, but I was in this big mansion with all of my other family members. I'm talking a few of my main aunts and uncles and cousins. And the mansion belongs to my aunt Joyce and my uncle George. I remember that they had a mansion in real life at one point in time. Anyways, so it's all of us in the house. In the dream I will start off with my cousins and then I will travel through this big house and see other family members too. I can't quite remember what happened but I know that when I see aunt Joyce and uncle George they are usually together and they are smiling. They don't say much but they are just smiling and happy.

Then at one point I saw my grandma. She is also there. She didn't say much that I can remember but she was also smiling. It's crazy how this time last year, I was at the Nicki Minaj concert (😳). SORRY BACK TO THIS DREAM. Okay so, yeah. They will be here and they will just be smiling or just looking chill but not really saying much to me. The next part of this is that my mom is there. But in the dream she keeps passing away and then she will come back for a short period of time and then pass away again. I remember in my other dream it was like she had passed away but she wasn't really dead and she came back. I keep having dreams like that were she is dead but then comes back and then is dead again.

When I do see her I think that I will acknowledge that she is there but then I will go back to doing something else. OR OR OR, she will be in the background, again, just smiling. Not really saying much but smiling at me when I pass by. What does this shit mean? The second part of the dream was a bit more fragmented, but I remember that I was painting different shades of blue on the walls for my gender reveal party. And someone in the background goes, Michaela is having the first boy. I have been thinking a lot about when I will be a mom and what gender I will have first. For some reason I really think I might have a boy first but eh you never really know what could happen.

Alright the last part of the dream, again not super clear as the first part, but I fell asleep watching this true crime video on this girl from Montreal who disappeared back in 2008, and somehow she was in the last part of my dream. Also in parts of the dream, I was with Lee-Anne and we were driving to a Good Friday service but there was construction on the road and I got out of the car for some reason and I was just there around a bunch of construction workers. Why does death feel so permanent? It really does. Like one day that person is just there and they've been there your whole life and they're just not. It's crazy. I asked Lee-Anne if she would go by grandma's old apartment. I would. Maybe one day I will take the bus over there. I've thought about it.

WHAT MONET FEELS LIKE IN MY EARS🖼️👩‍🎨🖼🎨𔓘

I recently remembered that I like Claude Monet's artwork. I love the flowers that he paints. I love the soft oil paint colors that he blends together to make them. I think they just represent something so bold and unique but still calming and peaceful. I love the sunflowers piece that he made. I love the different shades of yellow, how he used some light and some burnt shades to make the flowers. Waterlilies. I like those too. I've recently been loving lilies and lotus flowers. For some reason when I think of Claude, I think of classical music too. Like Beethoven and Antonio Vivaldi.

A Tame Impala song played and for some reason, I thought this was Rihanna's song but in the comments they said she just covered it. It's called New Person, Same Old Mistakes. I love the eerie beat of the song. It's haunting. But still so melodic. I can just hear them now, how could you let us down. I can relate to that line so much man. All the pressure of being done with school and not being finished yet despite being in school for 9 years. Yeah, 9. Feeling like I'm not making progress with my mental health. I've been getting therapy and been in programs for so long. I should have all the tools. I should be better by now. How do you get better man. How.

Claude's work also just fits with that song. Like its beautiful but it's also captivating because it feels unfinished in a way. Kind of like mommy's life. It feels unfinished even though she had a beautiful life. I use that word a lot beautiful. I want to expand my vocab now that I'm writing more. Anyways. Claude. Claude. Oh yeah, I don't know much about him. I should google his name and see what comes up. I used one of his quotes recently. I like that quote. I'll just link songs that his art makes me feel like. Lot's of classical and those psychedelic sounds.

I'm just totally jamming out to Tame Impala right now. Like YAAAAS. I love this kind of music. I love it just feels so vibey and upbeat but it still has a message hidden between the chords and string like hell yeah. Right now I'm listening to The Less I Know The Better. I forgot about this gem. Don't make me wait forever. Oh, my love can't you see yourself by my side. Damn, I felt that, cause you know...lmaooo. Yeah I'm totally just jamming. I'm just dancing and moving around in this chair right now. One More Hour is on now. When I was grabbing some Chex to munch on I realized that Don Toliver sampled this song on Bandit. I was like ohhhhhh shit (😮). I also learned that the yellow flowers are called Jerusalem Artichoke Flowers. I'm gonna be honest I've never heard of those before.