Rambles

❁2025-05-13❁

I see why people turn to drinking or drugs to numb their pain. It's a lot to deal with. Humans have so much to go through on this earth. I also see why people are so affected by heartbreak. I think its one of the hardest things someone can go through. Because the other person isn't necessarily dead but you have to act that they are. It's like you just have to keep going and showing up for yourself even when one person doesn't. It hurts a lot. Heartbreak really felt like my chest was being stabbed. It was like this sharp, aching pain. Eventually the tears stop flowing and the pain just gets less and less. But man, its tough. I'm seeing so many people getting engaged or married. I want that someday. I hope one day I will have that. I also hate to say this but those people seem to have it all together. Like that's the end goal and bam your just on the right path doing all the right things. But what about the people like me who are not even close to that point yet? What do we do? Right now it just feels like having someone would fix all the problems I have. I hate to say that but that's how I feel. I just want to move forward into the next stage and I feel like a tortoise. Things are taking their sweet ass time and I want it now. Time is moving but I feel like I'm not sometimes. Right now I'm drinking Peppermint tea and listening to Burna Boy. Seriously, what is happening, since when did I like Afro beats. I can just vibe to the music and I don't understand what they're saying but it's a vibe. I think my time of the month is coming soon because I just feel blehhhhhhh. My skin is also breaking out and I feel queasy. Man I hate periods so much. I remember my depression used to get so bad before I would get my period. It's gotten a bit better since being on medication. I'm just rambling. I also wanted to take about still choosing to exist even though I've been blocked. I thought about deleting my Snapchat accounts as a way to take my power back. It just feels weird to delete my accounts because of what he did. This tea is hitting right now (🍵💗). I put some honey in it and it's so hot. It feels nice and comforting. But yeah, I just feel like deleting it just so I won't be blocked anymore does make sense but at the same time who cares. I think it would be more powerful to keep it. I'm still here. I'm still choosing to show up and be me. When people ask me how I'm doing, I don't really know what to say. I guess I'm good given the circumstances. It just feels weird. Her not being here. It's a lot sometimes. Some days I don't feel any different and other days it feels like I can feel her absence a lot more. Mother's Day was an interesting day. I had lunch with my family and then went to the concert. I felt sad but I wasn't crying. I asked my cousin what her favorite memory of mommy was. We laughed. I think mommy would've wanted that. Just think about the good things. I saw the cherry blossoms with Lee-Anne on Saturday. It was a beautiful day. The weather was nice. We went to that Korean restaurant on Christie. We also got ice-cream at Muzzica. Lemme tell you, I picked this nasty ass lemon sorbet. It was SOUR. I had to get another flavor. I got this Guava Sorbet. It was much better. Sweet and light.

This space is my voice. Where I can just be me and write whatever I want. It's my creative outlet. I just want to let anything and everything flow out of me. No stopping. No re-doing. I just want this to be my dumping ground. To be free. To be light. To be me.

You are not behind; you are becoming💮and becoming takes time.

May the flowers remind us why the rain was necessary.