The Weight of the Unseen

At night is when it all hits me the most. All the times I've felt invisible. All the times I've been rejected. All the times my feelings haven't been considered. All the painful times. When someone close to you says now you're victimizing yourself. It hurts a lot. All the pain I've had to deal with. I just hope things get better. It hurts. It really hurts. I just wish I knew what to do. Most people say turn to religion. But how. But why. It's not that I don't believe in God. I do. I know he's always there. But what if I just can't right now. What if I just want to work through these feelings without letting them consume me. Part of me wonders what this all really means. Or what the plan is for me. I struggle with a lot. It's hard to let it all go. It's hard to care for myself when I feel small. I've taken on that identity. Because it feels easier to blame myself than to understand that what people say or do says more about them. It's just what I've always done. I've always blamed me because it was happening to me. I've always said what did I do wrong. How can I love harder. What did I say or didn't do. It's hard to unlearn that but that's what's on the other side. The fear. The voice. It's already in me.