When Healing Feels Like Breaking

❁2025-05-05❁

This idea just came to me to write about healing and what it looks like for me. I've been through a lot in my life. And by a lot, I mean I've seen a lot of shit and I've felt a lot of shit. I'm only 25 and I've been through the worst of the worst. I've been through things I thought were the end and made me want to give up so badly. I mean where should I start. One of the most traumatic things that happened to me was in September of 2022. In the middle of the night and I'm talking at like 2 in the morning, I went into the bathroom and I think I was trying to take out my earrings in my 3rd hole and then BOOM. My ear just tore off. It wasn't like a huge chunk, looking back it was actually pretty small. But I went into so many emotions all at once. I was kind of just staring at myself in the mirror with both my eyes and mouth just wide open. I was thinking bitch what the fuck just happened. Is that my ear? When it finally registered that yes my ear did in fact tare. That's when I started crying and panicking and I just went into a full blown meltdown. I remember I ran into my parents room and I tried waking mommy up and I said my ear tore off. She was still like half-asleep and was like what? I started crying even more and yeah that night was just traumatic. If your someone like me who struggles with body image and perfectionism, it was a literal nightmare come true. That was honestly the hardest things I've had to deal with. Not just because my ear tore. I learned that it could be fixed. But the emotional aspect of it. Going through a roller coaster of emotions everyday. I became so depressed that in January of 2023. My bad February I ended up in the emergency at the hospital because of my mental health. I felt so ugly. I felt like my body was ruined. I felt like I really couldn't go on and that this was the end. It was painful. But hey, I'm here in 2025 writing about it, so I guess it wasn't the end. I mean I guess what I'm trying to say is that there have been moments in my life where I've felt so defeated and tired and broken down but then eventually things got slightly better. I found things to smile about or comfort me. Whether it was taking walks, listening to music, or going downtown and just seeing art. Those things helped a lot. They didn't fix everything but they still helped. Healing kind of feeling like a super deep cut and then when you first put a band aid over it, the blood is really deep and dark. Then over time it starts to lighten. The pain maybe there but it doesn't hurt as bad as it did before. That's healing for me. Healing looks different for everyone. Do most people heal or do they just learn to live with the things that have hurt them before. Is it kind of like white noise that's just in the background. At first it peaks your senses and then eventually you just get used to it.

If I had a flower for every time I thought of you, I'd only have one. You've never left my mind.

I'm also struggling with the idea of what healing should look like. I see that on social media it should be getting up at like 5 in the morning, hitting the gym, drinking green juice, and eating super healthy. It's like you should be reading those personal development books and posting quotes to your Instagram. But honestly that's not even what healing looks like for me at all. I don't really go to the gym like that. I mean I like working out but I'm not super into fitness. I have a bit of trauma from it. Like when I used to be obsessed with being skinny and I would force myself to go to the gym a lot. Yeah. My room gets super messy when my find feels messy. I struggle with hygiene sometimes. I struggle with eating. I struggle with self-care. I want to work on healing that. Healing the ways I look after myself. And maybe that's not eating super healthy all the time. Maybe part of it is just making sure I have breakfast in the mornings or letting myself just lay down and watch videos. Maybe that's healing too. I think it's the healing that people don't show on the internet that's the true healing. Like still going to work and picking up shifts even when your sad and don't feel like it. Or pushing through and trying to finish school even though things have been super hard and university hasn't been the easiest experience. I think that's healing too. Anyways, just wanted to ramble. Maybe I'll write more about this another time.

This is kind of what I felt like after working an 8 hour shift with no sleep

RAMBLINGS UPON RAMBLINGS | MIND SPILL

Oop. Well. Idk man. I guess I just wanted to write about healing. Cause I meant what does it actually look like? I remember feeling like I wouldn't get through a lot of things but I did. It didn't always look like quotes and being healthy but I still got through them. I find that I'm a messy human. I say this because I feel comfortable in mess but I know that it's just the representation of what's going on the inside. I don't think anyone intentionally wants to be messy. I have trouble with cleaning things. But yeah. I wish I was one of those people who had so much control. I feel like a slippery slope. I feel like I'm not even in control. Maybe I am but I'm choosing not too. I mean everything is a choice. I also thought about quitting my job with no backup plan so many times. I mean I know I have to leave. I keep listening to this song called Man I Used to be by K-OS. I relate to thing song a lot. Things that I said I wouldn't do I did em. I think about what the future looks like a lot. But aren't I living in it right now. Like in 2022, 2025 was the future and somehow it's here now. All we have is now until now just becomes a memory and a figment of the past. Is it okay to be messy? I mean isn't the world just one big messy place. One big mind fuck. I mean there is so much shit going on the world right now. Like I tried to look at current events in the news and I exited that shit immediately because it's like there is just so much going on. And I found it interesting how there is like major world news and then there's pop culture stuff. It's so dystopian. How this is all just happening at the same time. Like all of this is co-existing at the same time. The tariffs stuff and then the Met Gala. It's like how are these two separate worlds just happening on our one world. And I wonder if you know what it means. Isn't life just one big mess. Like nothing is inherently perfect at all. It just is. It's just the normal that we have created for ourselves to try to make sense of the things around us. Like working and being productive is seen as normal. Being a contributing member of society is normal. Doing things and keeping busy is normal. Buying things constantly is normal. Having social media is normal. Being famous is normal. Everything is normal until it isn't. I mean who knows what the future could look like. Things could shift and the things we define as normal today won't be normal tomorrow. Like when COVID happened that wasn't normal until it became the new normal and we just learned to adapt and live around it. Things could change at any moment in time.

AND NOTHING HURTS ANYMORE, I FEEL KIND OF FREE

I PUT MY HAND ON A STOVE, TO SEE IF I STILL BLEED, AND NOTHING HURTS ANYMORE

Even if the world feels so messy and weird and just totally fucked up, even when healing feels messy and nothing feels like it's going right, even when no one understands...I'm still here. I'm still moving. I'm still breathing. I'm still hoping that this shit will make sense. Idk what today holds for me. I was going to go to the bank and go to work. I have to get back to my therapist at some point. You know what let me do that right now.

It’s been months since I last went to therapy. Since November. Since everything shifted. I’ve been telling myself that I failed—failed at staying consistent, failed at healing, failed at showing up for myself. But when I really sit with it, I know that’s not the truth. The truth is: I was grieving. I am grieving. I was holding a hundred things at once—university, work, life stuff, dentist appointments, and the kind of quiet heartbreak that follows you even when the world keeps moving. I didn’t stop going to therapy because I didn’t care. I stopped because I was overwhelmed, and sometimes survival looks like just getting through the day, not adding more emotional weight—even the helpful kind. But here I am, months later, still wanting to come back to myself. That has to mean something. It means I haven’t given up. It means I still believe in healing, even if I don’t always know what it looks like. It means I’m not a failure—I’m just a human trying to carry too much, and still choosing to try again. That’s what this moment is: not a reset, not a performance, just a return. And maybe that’s what healing really is.

I sent the email. Man that was one of the many things that I had to do. I keep thinking that I'm failing. Or that I'm a failure. I keep thinking that when it comes to mental health. I keep feeling like I have to be on this perfect, linear path. Where I make progress and I'm just magically better. Idk. It feels so confusing sometimes. When I look back, I've come a long way but idk if that's good enough. I struggle with that too feeling like what I'm doing is good enough or perfect. I struggle with that. I just, ugh. I sent the email. That's good. I want to be more consistent with therapy. I need it. I owe it to myself to get the help I need. Not to be perfect but to be elevated. To be a more healed version of myself. Not that me right now isn't good enough but because I know that I deserve a much more healthier mind and life. I'm the only person I got. I owe it to myself. Not to have all the answers right away. But to just take it one step at a time. Just to be here and be present in the mess. To see the mess and look at it not running away from it. Just seeing it and being in it.